During a recent trip to NYC, I managed to slip into the Sirius XM studio to talk with Terri Trespicio, host of ‘Whole Living’ on Martha Stewart Radio about eco-fabulous design and organization! Turns out, people were less interested in talking about jute, recycled rubber and sustainable bamboo, and more interested in kvetching about their husbands.
A lady named Karen got on the line and asked what advice could I give her concerning her husband who she describes as a slob. As hard as she tries to keep the house tidy, her man is a tornado when it comes to clutter. After 12 years of marriage, she was ready to throw in the towel (a dirty one off the bathroom floor I imagine). Turns out, this isn’t the first time I’ve dealt with this topic.
During a recent book signing at Borders, a lady in the audience raised her hand and started complaining about her husband of 20 some years, saying the same thing, ‘I’m married to a slob’. After a few minutes of reckless finger pointing and denying any responsibility, she asked, ‘What can I do to get him to change?’
So I looked her straight in the eyes and said: ‘You married him. Let’s start there’.
My hope was that this woman would see that she actually does have some responsibility in all of this. In fact, it was her choice and subsequent choices that led her to her feelings today.
After a few moments of silence, she became teary-eyed. Then to my surprise, she turned to the man sitting next to her and hugged him. Turns out, it was her husband who had been listening quietly while she complained about him.
Then in a surprising turn of events, her husband pulls back and says: ‘I didn’t know it bothered you this much’.
Wow, I thought. Honest communication really does attract honest communication. In a matter of minutes, you could see this couple was taking new ground. I really felt like they heard each other for the first time (and they hadn’t even started reading my book).
So if you’re a Felix living with an Oscar or vice versa, I invite you to think about this…
Sometimes people use clutter as a substitution for direct communication; others or even themselves. For some, it’s easier to leave a dirty towel on the floor than it is to sit down and say what’s on your mind. I’ve seen so many people living in cluttered houses never verbally argue yet they fight a silent war using clutter as a weapon.
If this sounds familiar, a good starting point may be to answer this question: If your clutter could talk, what would it say? In other words, what is it saying that you’re not?
I’d love to hear about it in the comments below.
Until next time…
P.S. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO ATTACH A PICTURE TO YOUR NAME ON THE BLOG POSTS, GO TO WWW.GRAVATAR.COM AND CLICK ON GET YOUR GRAVATAR TODAY! I WOULD LOVE TO SEE WHO I’M TALKING TO. THANKS!
I am one that complains about my husband all the time. I really shouldn’t. He does try to help from time to time. I just wish he would clean up after himself especially in the bathroom. But then I am not the best house keeper. Never have been and never will be. Has you said I did marry him…42 years ago! Thanks for the blog. I love reading what you write. 229 days ago
That is So true that clutter communicates things that we are not verbally saying. For me, I think my clutter keeps me company; when the house is all neat it feels lonely. 229 days ago
Housekeeping is not my forte, either, but I can keep a clean house. Unfortunately, what I have learned is that if my environment starts out or becomes overwhelming or unmanageable, I get stuck and can’t fix it.
The non-verbal communication of clutter contributed considerably to the demise of my marriage as it was considered “my mess” … it was also representative of never being heard … 228 days ago
These blogs are coming at a perfect time — as I’m getting ready to move. I haven’t been happy in my last 3 years in my present residence — so I’m certain the clutter factor will disappear when I’m in my own place! Thanks again! 228 days ago
I think I have a gem. My fiance’ loves to clean! I am so lucky. He loves to vacuum and says he’s happiest making vacuum trails in the carpet. He does the laundry, sweeps, and dusts, because I am a true procrastinator if left to my own devices. Im a nurse and a busy mom of two boys from a prior marriage. He is great at teaching them the importance of a neat house.
But we share responsibilty. I cook and clean the bathrooms and wash dishes (he hates doing dishes), so we work well together. It saves a lot of arguements. And he works full time as well. I credit his parents for raising a good son, and hope to do the same with my boys.
But…..I do thank him for his help and tell him he is appreciated. It goes a long way, girls.
228 days ago
Why Yes I am and you should know cause it’s the same man I was dating at ECU while renting out your Pink dinning room as my studio bedroom (way back in the day). When I moved in w/John I moved in w/Oscar Madison’s messy love child!
The ‘rub’ is that he wasn’t raised to live like a slob. His Mama did everything for him until he moved out and a few years later, that’s when I met him and KNEW I could be successful on changing those horrid habits.
26+ years later, he’s still a pack rat slob/’hurricane John’ & I’ve graduated to “light industrial housecleaning”. Don’t ask me to explain THAT madness!
Oh and we’re also the food slaves to two rotten basset hounds & a maroon bellied conure, the lizard we had for over 14 years passed away 6 years ago.
I’ve purged my home of stuff, junk, furniture and general ‘crap’ one accumulates over time. Problem is, things MAGICALLY & TRAGICALLY multiply like those loaves and fishes parable!
And Mark, funny thing is, I’m back living in a PINK domicile! Hahaha!
The BEST part of your blog was your retort, “you married him”! And yes I did.
SchmileZ over the mileZ! L’shana tova!
–Pj 228 days ago
I am living with a husband who has Adult ADHD, and is just generally a slob! It gets difficult at times to watch him pour a glass of something, leave the berevage out, top off, and walk away, or grab a owl of soemting to eat and leave box open, can out, stove on, paper towels everywhere… or open mail and leave the envelopes everywhere! Sigh! With 2 small kids, that level of messiness is not a good thing. I have literally watched him destroy the house in five minutes after it took me 2 or 3 hours to clean! 228 days ago
What a beautiful story! 228 days ago
love the blog! 228 days ago
My husband and I are both very neat and tidy and I have a ‘thing’ for being organized. In fact I’d love to switch careers, dump my high tech Marketing job and open up an organization shop (and services!) in my quaint little hometown… bring my golden retrievers to work, etc. HOWEVER I do have lucky option two where I get to work from home while my darling 3 yr old twins are being cared for by our wonderful nanny. My husband is in sales and goes into work everyday. We both partner on the parenting and housework as it should be. But I always feel a little extra burden as the mom when it comes to caring for our children (and finances!). I think I may communicate this by the (although organized) stash of baby gear that I could not sell at this summer’s yardsale. The garage is my husband’s haven for our well-cared for autos, and with the kids stuff out there, he can’t get the cars in to fit. Did I mention my husband is sort of like the Dad in “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” with the cars in the garage? I knew this was sacred ground when I stashed my stuff in his way. Maybe I am trying to send him a message to help out more with keeping up with the twins’ needs. I guess I never really thought of it that way. VERY DEEP thoughts for me tonight Mark! Here I just thought I was an innocent bystander!! xoxo! 228 days ago
Call it primitive but I think a man likes to mark his territory by distributing his clutter! Some examples are emptying his “catch of the day”pockets all over the kitchen table, leaving a trail of clothing for easy tracking by his mate and covering every sofa cushion with discarded newspapers. My solution was to create a man cave where he can freely drag his knuckles on the floor – along with whatever else he has tossed there. Is it any wonder my pet name for him is Sasquatch? 228 days ago
As a busy mom of 5 kids (ages 20, 17, 14, 4 & 2) and married to a very hard working self-employed husband for 22 years, I’m blessed to be settled as the “chief cook and bottle washer”. The little messes that my family leaves around show me that they are productive and living their lives to the fullest. 228 days ago
I am a huge believer in the “everything has a place” theory but here lately I find myself being completely obsessive about my youngest son’s inability to pick up after himself. In desperation, I’ve even considered nailing his clothes to the floor just to see how long it would take before he actually tried to pick them up again. Am I serious? We’re on day four… 228 days ago
muy linda historia!!! saludos desde Uruguay 224 days ago
I was suggested this website by my cousin. I’m not sure whether this post is written by him as nobody else know such detailed about my difficulty. You’re amazing! Thanks! 217 days ago
Hi Mark I love you and your designs. 200 days ago
sou brasileira e sua fã, assisto ao programa “cleam house” pela tv a cabo, o sonho das minhas filhas era que você decorasse nossa casa…quem sabe quando eu morar ai ….
kisses, kisses!!!!
Vivi 82 days ago